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Sunday, May 31, 2015

Should You Take a Cheating Spouse/Partner Back?

Disclosure/Disclaimer: Right off rip I say that I am not a licensed psychotherapist or marriage counselor.  So, regard this blog post as mere babble rather than advice on how to handle your situation. 

There isn’t a simple yes or no response to this question.  The answer comes down to personal preference and individual circumstances.  There are so many different variables in involved in each individual’s life that need to be carefully considered in order to make the right decision.  Some things that I would take into consideration are whether the couple is married, length of time together, etc.  When there are children involved and marriage it makes the situation much more complicated.   Couples with children need to be very mindful of how divorce or separation can affect their children.  Sometimes, children internalize their parents' relationship problems and then blame themselves when divorce or separation takes place.  

I don't tend to forgive or continue relationships with known cheaters.  This is especially true when the person has a history of repeated infidelity with multiple partners.  Someone with these behavior patterns will probably continue to cheat when they realize that there aren't any real repercussions for their behavior. 

I am probably one of the loyalist women that a man could ever hope for.  I am not saying that I am perfect by any means or that I don’t make mistakes.  It’s just not my nature to cheat and I have never been sexually promiscuous.  I am also very afraid of all the sexually transmitted diseases out there.  If I ever did get burned by someone whom I am sexually active with, then I will know with 100% certainty who put the crotch on fire.  If I become pregnant then I will know who the father is.  You'll never catch me on Maury begging for a paternity test and putting my personal business out there on Front Street. Once I am emotionally invested in a committed relationship, that’s it.  I just settle down and focus on being with that one person. 

I have been approached and propositioned by men while already involved in relationships.  I made it clear to them what my relationship status was but they don’t care.  Some men and women have no respect for marriages and committed relationships.  They have no moral code or boundaries.  They will have sexual relations with anything that walks, breathes and has a dick or moist hole.  So, if I am willing to emotionally commit, forgo sexual encounters with others and be exclusive with one man, then I expect the same from him in return. Contrary to what some people seem to think, men have will power and control over their loins. 

My definition of cheating is having sexual and romantic emotional intimacy with another person.  By my definition, if you’re going on private dates with another person, having private phone conversations or sending sexual/ romantic text messages and e-mails to someone else, then you are cheating.  There is no justification for cheating.  And two wrongs don’t make a right.  If your partner cheats on you, don’t go out and cheat on them just to get revenge.  It won’t make you feel any better or esteemed.  You’ll have to make a decision whether continue the relationship and try to work things out or break up.  

If you decide to continue the relationship then it is very important that you forgive and forget. Don't use that indiscretion as a chance to throw it up in the cheating partners face whenever there is a disagreement.  Some people need marriage and psychological counseling in order to work through their feelings of betrayal.  Counseling can be very helpful to rebuild trust in the relationship.  

Another important thing to look at is the reason behind the unfaithful behaviors.  It could be caused by other underlying relationship problems that were never addressed.  Maybe the cheating spouse is seeking some sort of attention, sexual activity and/or reassurance that they weren't getting in the relationship. Perhaps, the cheating partner has a sexual addiction which requires treatment and counseling.  

Some people believe in this ideal of staying together "for the sake of the children".  It may work for some people if they can come to a place of forgiveness and leaving the past behind.  If you’re one of those types of people who hold on to grudges, then it might not work out so well.  Some sort of counseling may be needed to encourage the cheating partner to acknowledge and correct with their behavior. Above all else, he or she should be fully committed to the process of change and salvaging the relationship. 

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