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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Toxic Relationships- She Needs to Let Go

Several months ago, I was talking to a young lady who I met.  I don’t know her all that well but apparently she felt really comfortable relating some of her personal problems me.  One day, she was so distressed that she mentioned that she had a recent falling out with her boyfriend. 

There was one thing that was particularly disappointing to her about the break-up.  He had promised her some of his income tax refund money.  He was expecting a very sizable sum and she was really counting on that money. When he did actually receive the money, he reneged on that promise.  Instead, he got all of his personal belongings together and moved out.  In addition, he purchased a car and sent her a hostile “f%$k-you” type of texts after he left. 

Now, I don’t know this young man and we have never met.  So, I got all of my information from her.  According to her, this man:

  • Is unemployed
  • Has a drug problem 
  • Lived with her and her family for a good amount of time
  • Physically abused her in the past
  • Broke up with her before.  Then, she reunited with him.  

Sitting there and listening to all that she said, led me to believe that he is a pretty toxic person.    As mentioned before, I don’t know the woman well, so it is hard for me to even make a proper character assessment of her.   On one hand, I couldn’t comprehend why she had such a hard time coping with the fact that he left her.  Per her account, he is a pretty messed-up person.  I remember thinking that he must have had that “good-good”.

On the other hand, she could have her own psychological issues and character flaws.  There is always two or more sides to every story.  She is certainly not telling me of all the mistakes that she made in the relationship.  Sometimes, people have a tendency to get themselves into less than ideal situations and form unhealthy relationships with others. Perhaps, she attracted this toxic man into her life because she is a toxic person herself.  Or it could be that she has no idea how to choose a partner whom has positive attributes.  This is not meant in any way to pass judgment on her, though.  Everyone has their own issues that need to be dealt with before they can truly love someone else. 

With that said, if you’re going to be in a relationship, then be with someone who is doing something with their life.  Be with someone who will inspire and uplift you and help you to progress. Forming toxic relationships with a toxic person can literally destroy a person’s life and have them crazy all out doors. It can put you in such a state of confusion and emotional turmoil, that you won’t know whether you are coming or going. This may cause you to either be stuck or regressing in life. Nobody needs that!

Another thing is this:  Some people make the mistake of becoming overly attached and too comfortable with people before knowing them.  This is bad because it can cause us to put on the blinders and ignore obvious warning signs. Even when we know that someone is not good for us we, sometimes continue the relationship, hoping that someday the person will change for the better.  Some people are the enablers and they think that they can change someone in a relationship. The truth is that you can’t change someone unless they already seek to change.  

Okay, I’m getting back to this issue with the lady and her ex-boyfriend. Being that her ex-boyfriend allegedly has a drug-problem, he not going too far.  He doesn’t have a job and he will need money to support himself.  So, that money will be used up in no time.  He’ll probably try to come running back to her or find another easily manipulated woman to hook up with. 

I am much older than her.  I didn’t ask her age, but she looks to be in her mid-twenties.  I can definitely relate to some of the things that she was saying.  There were times that I cried myself to sleep at night over broken relationships.  Therefore, I can look at her situation and offer some objective advice, having ‘been there, and done that”. 

Frankly, I don’t even like to get involved in other people’s affairs.  However, she was really distraught.  To my surprise, she mentioned that in the past she felt suicidal. Therefore, I felt compelled to offer her some words of encouragement. The advice that I rendered was quite simple:  “Let his ass go!”  He basically told her what his intent was and that he didn’t need or want to be involved with her at the present time.  "I know that it hurts and the way that he treated you was wrong.  The fact that he left you without, you having to put him out, is a blessing.  Now you can move-on, heal, and get your life together.”  She responded by saying that her mother told her the same thing. 

Based on his track record, things could have ended in more negative way.  At least no one was hurt or ended up getting arrested.  And it is even better that she doesn’t have any children with this man.   Neither one of them seems mature enough to take on the responsibility of parenthood. I don’t know how this situation turned out, since I have not seen her in months.  Hopefully, she is doing well and I wish her and her ex the best.

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